Thursday, March 01, 2007

13 Weird Witchy Moments in the Occult World #8

1. Psychic reading performed for a woman whose mother had recently died. Woman wanted to know about her boyfriend (not her mother) but the spirit of her dead mother entered the room. After the reading, this spirit decided to leave with me and stuck to my trail for 2 years incessantly throwing in her 2 cents on MY love life. It was very distracting and difficult to get laid during this period as Mama was very picky about who I should date. Finally the daughter contacted me again and expressed a great interest in what her mother had to say concerning men. After I gave her this information, la Mama departed from my life and the earthly realms. Daughter now happily married and Witch Dr. also in love. :) Of course, in hindsight, I realize Mother Ghost was always correct in her assessments of both of our love lives but to this day, I no longer make HOUSE CALLS!

2. In the 80's when I worked at Enchantments, Lord Hermes and I used to prepare a dozen protection candles a week for a certain Colombian drug lord. She tipped up with huge rocks of pure cocaine. After awhile, the quality decreased and one time, the coke was cut with some awful shit that gave Hermes a nose bleed. He insisted that we carve all the seals upside down on her candles that week. Immediately after, she was apprehended at the airport, her drugs confiscated, and she went off to serve a very long prison term. (Goddess nose, you should NEVER cross a witch!)

3. Madonna once visited the shop and ordered a candle to get good reviews in a play she was in. I didn't recognize her as I was busy with my managerial duties. One of the apprentices asked me how to prepare the magick and I quickly and efficiently uttered off some oils, herbs, incantations, and seals. The following week, I attended my creative writing class at Columbia with Arthur Kopit. He began the class with a tirade about the horrible David Mamet play (Speed the Plow) with Madonna in it. He was in an uproar because he thought that the play and Madonna were so incredibly awful yet both had gotten good reviews. He thought the reviewers must have been under some kind of MAGICK SPELL! I had a good laugh over that one.

4. Carolyn Bessette and a gaggle of superchic girls were downtown slumming and wandered into the shop. CB and another woman both asked for a magick candle spell to marry JFK Jr. Earlier that day, seven black girls and three white chics had come in for candlespells to marry Michael Jackson. (this was in the Scream and You are Not Alone years.)I just thought it was a weird day with Venus retrograde. While we were preparing the candles, the women got in a catfight and one said to CB, "If you marry him, I hope you die!" Whoah...spooky!!!

5. It was Father's Day and we were closing early. Some guy was banging at the door and pleading for us to let him in. He said it was an emergency. I asked him through the door what he wanted and he kept yelling: "Dad Dad. An oil for Dad." Well, contrary to the popular saying, "colder than a witches' tit", I actually felt a soft spot in my heart for the guy and opened the door. "Oh that's so sweet," I said, "you want to buy some magickal oil for your Dad." "No no" the man insisted. "DAD DEAD oil." O, dear, how sad. His father has died and perhaps he wants some oil to commemorate his passing with a ritual on Father's Day. I opened the door all the way and let him in. "Here, you are Sir, a vial of holy Lotus oil for honoring departed spirits. The man knocked the dram of oil away and yelled: "No Dad - no no I want DEAD DEAD oil! To KILL someone!" I threw him out immediately. No good deed goes unpunished.

6. My book PowerSpells was released in September of 2001. My booksigning at the Borders in the World Trade Center was cancelled along with all my press coverage. One of the news stations called to say they would promote the book if I did a spell to kill Osama Bin Laden. I refused. I offered to do a spell (from the book) on economic recovery but they weren't interested.

7. Jalup was the shop cat at Enchantments for over 9 years. When he became sick with Cancer and riddled with pain, Dr Sally Haddock thought it was time to send him to the Summerlands. She agreed to hold off the procedure for an hour so that his loved ones could come and say goodbye. It took the entire afternoon. Word spread around the East Village and a line of people formed two blocks long to say goodbye to this most magickal cat. No one at the Vets office had ever witnessed anything like it.

8. I dreamt I went on a date with Joan Rivers. She was wearing a red dress and when we kissed, she went "ooo oooo oooo" and then an alarm went off. A week later, her people called to invite me on her show. I demonstrated how to work a love spell using red figure candles. The other guest on the show had written a book called The 60 Minute Orgasm. Joan had an egg timer on the set. It went off every 20 minutes and each time she would say "ooo ooo ooooo - I'm still coming!" Pretty funny stuff!

9. A very dissatisfied customer walked in with a weight loss candle she wanted to return. She claimed it did not work. After questioning her, she revealed that she had lit the candle and placed it on the mantle and then not paid it much mind. In the 7 days of burning time, she had gained 7 lbs. In the meanwhile, her room mate had come home from work every night and sat in front of the candle. The room mate lost 10.5 lbs. Ahem, the candle DID WORK! We did not refund her money but suggested that perhaps her room mate come in and buy the next round:)

10. One summer we held meditations in the Enchanted Garden. Each night focused on a different tarot card and kabbalistic and ceremonial meditations were done on that card. On the 15th night, the card was of course, the Devil. Bondage, restriction, enslavement, and loss of freedom and rights were meditated upon. A huge posterboard of the card sat in the center of the altar. Someone in the neighborhood called the cops who broke in on our ceremony. (Ah, this did not look so good for us. ) I imagine they were a bit spooked, and of course they busted up the meeting and told us all to go home. There was not one among us who did not have a direct understanding of the devil and his restrictions of personal freedoms after that night. Also interesting and fitting that the police arrived on this night only. We were quite raucous witches on the night of the Fool, yet we were left alone to be completely wild and free in our abandon.

11. Called upon to banish a ghost from an Upper East Side apartment. After a long and arduous ritual, a mist appeared in the room and a woman in a grey dress walked out of a mirror. As more and more smoke appeared, the woman produced a bottle of Chanel #5 perfume from thin air. She sprayed a mist around herself and then evaporated. The smoke lifted and we felt the job was done. After some research it was revealed that the apartment building had once been a perfume factory and a woman had died in a fire there.

12. Killer spell done for Manhattan apartment petitioning the goddess Oshun. Impossible and luxurious elements requested. Apartment found. Three stories, a garden, a fireplace, kitchen with two ovens...going over the check list, it occurred to me that Oshun had left out one important demand. Pondering this, I found myself walking over to one of the bedroom windows. It was almost as if I was being led by some supernatural force. The window opened on its own, and I felt my head being pushed out and turned to the right with a gentle but firm hand. I was perhaps on the verge of freaking out as I felt my body being pushed a bit further. At that moment dusk was approaching and my bugged out eyes found themselves staring right into the Empire State Building as it lit up in a magnificent orange. There it was. THE VIEW!

13. On a book tour in Boston. Arrived on a cold and rainy night. A collision on the freeway. My publicist and the driver in the front seat and wearing seatbelts. They were both injured badly from the airbags. I was in the back, very tired, and without a belt. I should have gone through the windshield from the impact but I felt the arms and hands of an angel shield me as if they were a safety belt protecting my chest and neck. I was not harmed at all. Only the talisman for protection in travel fell from my neck. This accident occurred a year after my brother was killed in a car accident and I am quite sure he was the angel that came to my rescue!

Thursday Thirteen Participants
1. Crystal
2. Janet
3. LastMinuteLyn
4. Red
5. Tink
6. Robin
7. Jennifer
8. Joely
9. Susan Helene Gottfried
10. Marcia
11. It\'s A Blog Eat Blog World

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Tink said...

That was a very interesting read! Thanks for sharing. Great stories to tell, your life isn't boring!
My TT shows a lot of pics of my two kittens growing up.

Red said...

I like Spooky things!

Bond said...

Now you should know if you come around the COUCH you should not be silent....

Janet said...

Wow. I'm speechless. What an awesome post.

Crystal said...

Wow, that's some freaky (but interesting) stuff!

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a great weekend. :)

Robin said...

What an amazing list - your book sounds fascinating!

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Mercy's Maid said...

Wow, I don't know how you do it. Some of those happenings would really freak me out! (I'm a big scaredy cat.) Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

Joely Sue Burkhart said...

Fascinating--I've got goose bumps!!

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

VERY cool stuff. Thanks for coming to West of Mars; I hope we'll visit each other more often!

Marcia said...

An interesting and very readable post.

edward wolf said...

Facinating post. Hung on every word. While I just subscribed to your blog and have just started reading, I hope this is a sample of things to come.

Morgen said...

This was an excellent post. Your writing and the way you draw in your readers is one of the reasons your site is one of my favorites.
Sorry I'm so late in reading your posts - I've been busy with my shopping website (almost ready -- waiting impatiently for a call now about credit cards, etc).
Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this list of 13 great anecdotes.