Calling KaliMa

Hello Lexa
I am in trouble. I am pregnant, and I love being pregnant and I love my new little baby, who kicks and talks to me in my dreams. This child also kicks for my cats, who snuggle up against my belly and purr to it. I am desperate to be a good mother. I love this child so much already.

The child’s father, my erstwhile boyfriend and self described fiancee, has turned into a dangerous, frightening force in my life. (We are living far apart from one another, so actual immediate danger is unlikely.) He has called me a c--t. He has called me a b---h. He has threatened to serve me with papers to start our custody battle while I am in labour with our child. He is angry, because I do not want to be around him when he is drinking and I do not like his alcoholic friends or family members. He also told me that if I loved him, I was going to have to “choose between him and the truth.” I don’t want to be sworn at, belittled, threatened, abandoned, and hated. He is scared, but why is it manifesting this way? I feel like a stupid, stupid fool. I miss the man I loved. Once upon a time, we each wished for the other. I miss how loved he used to make me feel, and I miss my happy loving thoughts of him. I swing back and forth, thinking about how to love him and get him to treat me with love one minute, and how to get him out of my life the next. Sometimes I am so sad that he is missing all the fun, and missing me at the most beautiful and lovely I have ever been; I am all soft and watery, and yearn for him. Other times, I feel parched and hot and angry, and were it not for this child in my womb, I would feel like a wasteland, barren and bleak, and I wish one or both of us was dead. (I’m pulled back from those thoughts by our baby, who needs and loves us both. What can I do?)

I don’t think I can control his actions or thoughts. I would like to have some guidance about how to stay focused on what I need to do. I’m scattered, depressed, ashamed, and frightened. I feel alone. I need to make money (I REALLY need to make money) and be financially ready for this baby, and possibly for a court fight. I need to have work that fits with pregnancy and new motherhood, and some of mine does not. I need to build support networks and nurture the community I have. I need to confess and confide in people I love that I’ve messed up with this relationship, even if that is embarrassing. I need to figure out what my truest instincts about this man ARE, never mind learning to follow them. I need to be able to live with the grief and loss I feel, and to do the work I’m supposed to do in this life, whatever that is. I need to confront and deal with my own mistakes and patterns and the things that will hamper my ability to mother well. I need to keep myself and my baby safe and healthy.

How do I get him out of my head and find the discipline and grace to accomplish what I need to accomplish to prepare for the birth of this little one? Are their spells for women who love their babies, but who are caught like a deer in headlights, afraid of their own lives and afraid of their man? This post is too long, but I cannot be the only woman in this situation. What can we do?

Thank you, and Blessed Be

Sasha

Dear Sasha

I feel for you deeply and I understand why you feel like a deer caught in the headlights because there are so many issues here. Often people feel overwhelmed because there are so many problems that need to be solved. Magick, like anything else, is best worked one step at a time. Let's begin with the most important of issues - You and the child in your womb. Believe it or not, you are in a position of great power although I understand that right now you feel helpless and hopeless. In the Wicca, and ancient Matriarchal paths, it is the Mother Goddess who rules the earth and you must turn to Her for Her power, protection, and prosperity. You must also allow Her to empower you as you already embody Her greatest attribute - that of Child Bearer.

I would instruct you to turn to the Durga and chant Her powerful mantra. Durga is the Mother aspect of the great and fierce triple goddess Kali. The Durga is depicted as an Amazon warrior who rides a tiger into battle. She defeats demons and defends her children. According to Barbara Walker in the Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets: "Durga stood for the basic animal instincts of maternity, for which the adult male is no longer significant, and only her offspring claims a mother's attention."
photo credit

I instruct you to chant Her mantra 108 times at night on the 5th of February. Durga has the power to exorcise the demons that have possessed your man. She has the power to return him to his senses as a loving and supportive husband and father. She also has the power to destroy him should he choose to cause harm to you or your child. Durga can help you with all legal matters concerning custody. She can bring you strength and sustenance, both spiritual and material and She can guide you toward others who can give you real support. She can heal your heart and clear your head of all confusion. Trust in the Great Mother to lead you and your child one step at a time toward safety, health, and prosperity. Here is the mantra:

Saith Isvara:
I shall tell thee the hundred names of Durga.
By the grace of this hymn the chaste Duga is satisfied.
Listen, then, thereto.

OM.
Chaste one.
Virtuous one.
Beloved of Bhava.
Spouse of Bhava.
The Manifested Brahman.
Liberatrix from the world of births and deaths.
Destructress of distress.
Victorious one.
Primordial one.
Three-eyed,
Holder of the spear.
Spouse of Him who holds the pinaka Bow.
Wonderful one.
Whose bell sounds fearfully.
Of great austerities.
Manas.
Buddhi.
Ahamkara.
In the form of citta.
Funeral pyre.
Knowledge.
Whose substance is all mantras.
Reality.
Whose nature is true bliss.
Endless one.
In whom are the three dispositions.
Accessible by devotion.
Auspicious.
Pervading all things.
Spouse of S'ambu.
Mother of Devas.
Contemplation.
Fond of gems.
All knowledge.
Daughter of Daksa.
Destroyer of Daksa's sacrifice.
Who eat not even a leaf during Thy austerities.
Of various colour.
Red.
Having a red colour.
Clad in silken garment.
Pleased with sweet-sounding anklets.
Of unbounded power.
Terrifying.
Beautiful.
House lady.
Forest Durga.
Daughter of Matanga.
Worshipped by the sage Matanga.
Spouse of Brahma.
Great Ruler.
Aindri.
Kaumari.
Vaisnavi.
Camunda.
Varahi.
Laksmi.
In the form of the Purusa.
Pure one.
Essence of all.
Knowledge.
Action.
The Supreme one.
Giver of buddhi.
Who art all.
Whose love is unbounded.
Mounted on a bull.
Destructress of Sumbha and Nisumbha.
Slayer of the Asura Mahisa.
Slayer of Madhu and Kaitaba.
Destructress of Canda and Munda.
And of all Asuras.
And of all Danavas.
Whose substance is all S'astra.
Existence.
Holder of all weapons.
In whose hands are various weapons.
Holder of many weapons.
Virgin.
Maiden.
Kaisori.
Youthful.
Ascetic one.
Apraudha.
Praudha.
Old mother.
Giver of strength.

For the one who daily reads these 108 names of Durga
There is nothing impossible in the three worlds.
This person obtains wealth, crops, sons, spouse, horses, and elephants;
This person accomplishes the caturvar ga,
And gains lasting liberation.

Having worshipped the Devi Kumari,
And meditated upon Suresvari,
The devotee should worship,
And then read with devotion the 108 names of Durga.
O Devi ! such an one gains the fruition which Devas have;
Kings become this persons servants,
And this one obtains a kingdom and all prosperity.

You, who, versed in the sastric injunctions
In accordance, therewith, writes this mantra
With saffron mixed with cows' pigment, red lac,
camphor, and the three sweets, (ghee, honey, and sugar)
And then wears it, becomes Purari.

Whoever writes and then reads this humn
On a Tuesday in the dark moon,
At night, when the moon is in the twentyfourth mansion containing a hundred stars
Attains all wealth and prosperity.*
*from Hymns to the Goddess and Hymn to Kali by Sir John Woodroffe

and here the 108 names of Durga:

Name	Meaning
Durga	The Inaccessible
Devi	The Diety
Tribhuvaneshwari	Goddess of The Three Worlds
Yashodagarba Sambhoota	Emerging From Yashoda's Womb
Narayanavarapriya	Fond of Narayana's Boons
Nandagopakulajata	Daughter Of The Nandagopa Race
Mangalya	Auspicious
Kulavardhini	Developer Of The Race
Kamsavidravanakari	Threatened Kamsa
Asurakshayamkari	Reducer Of The Number Of Demons
Shilathata Vinikshibda	At Birth,Slammed By Kamsa
Akashagamini	Flew In The Sky
Vasudevabhagini	Sister Of Vasudeva
Divamalya Vibhooshita	Adorned With Beautiful Garlands
Divyambaradhara	Beautifully Robed
Khadgaketaka Dharini	Holder Of Sword And Shield
Shiva	Auspicious
Papadharini	Bearer Of Others' Sins
Varada	Granter Of Boons
Krishna	Sister Of Krishna
Kumari	Young Girl
Brahmacharini	Seeker Of Brahman
Balarkasadrushakara	Like The Rising Sun
Purnachandra Nibhanana	Beautiful Like The Full Moon
Chaturbhuja	Four-Armed
Chaturvakttra	Four-Faced
Peenashroni Payodhara	Large Bosomed
Mayoora Pichhavalaya	Wearer Of Peacock-Feathered Bangles
Keyurangadadharini	Bejewelled With Armlets And Bracelets
Krishnachhavisama	Like Krishna's Radiance
Krishna	Dark-Complexioned
Sankarshanasamanana	Equal To Sankarshana
Indradhwaja Samabahudharini	With Shoulders Like Indra's Flag
Patradharini	Vessel-Holder
Pankajadharini	Lotus-Holder
Kanttadhara	Holder of Shiva's Neck
Pashadharini	Holder Of Rope
Dhanurdharini	Holder Of Bow
Mahachakradharini	Holder Of Chakra
Vividayudhadhara	Bearer Of Various Weapons
Kundalapurnakarna Vibhooshita	Wearer Of Earrings Covering The Ears
Chandravispardimukha	Beautiful Like The Moon
Mukutavirajita	Shining With Crown Adorned
Shikhipichhadwaja Virajita	Having Peacock-Feathered Flag
Kaumaravratadhara	Observer Of Fasts Like Young Girls Do
Tridivabhavayirtri	Goddess Of The Three Worlds
Tridashapujita	The Goddess Of The Celestials
Trailokyarakshini	Protector Of The Three Worlds
Mahishasuranashini	Destroyer Of Mahisha
Prasanna	Cheerful
Surashreshtta	Supreme Among The Celestials
Shiva	Shiva's Half
Jaya	Victorious
Vijaya	Conqueror
Sangramajayaprada	Granter Of Victory In The War
Varada	Bestower
Vindhyavasini`	Resident Of The Vindhyas
Kali	Dark-Complexioned
Kali	Goddess Of Death
Mahakali	Wife Of Mahakala
Seedupriya	Fond Of Drinks
Mamsapriya	Fond Of Flesh
Pashupriya	Fond Of All Beings
Bhootanushruta	Well-Wisher Of Bhootaganas
Varada	Bestower
Kamacharini	Acting On One's Own Accord
Papaharini	Destroyer Of Sins
Kirti	Famed
Shree	Auspicious
Dhruti	Valiant
Siddhi	Successful
Hri	Holy Chant Of Hymns
Vidhya	Wisdom
Santati	Granter Of Issues
Mati	Wise
Sandhya	Twilight
Ratri	Night
Prabha	Dawn
Nitya	Eternal
Jyotsana	Radiant Like Flames
Kantha	Radiant
Khama	Embodiment Of Forgiveness
Daya	Compassionate
Bandhananashini	Detacher Of Attachments
Mohanashini	Destroyer Of Desires
Putrapamrityunashini	Sustainer Of Son's Untimely Death
Dhanakshayanashini	Controller Of Wealth Decrease
Vyadhinashini	Vanquisher Of Ailments
Mruthyunashini	Destroyer Of Death
Bhayanashini	Remover Of Fear
Padmapatrakshi	Eyes Like The Lotus Leaf
Durga	Remover Of Distress
Sharanya	Granter Of Refuge
Bhaktavatsala	Lover Of Devotees
Saukhyada	Bestower Of Well-Being
Arogyada	Granter Of Good Health
Rajyada	Bestower Of Kingdom
Ayurda	Granter Of Longevity
Vapurda	Granter Of Beautiful Appearance
Sutada	Granter Of Issues
Pravasarakshika	Protector Of Travellers
Nagararakshika	Protector Of Land
Sangramarakshika	Protector Of Wars
Shatrusankata Rakshika	Protector From Distress Caused By Foes
Ataviduhkhandhara Rakshika	Protector From Ignorance And Distress
Sagaragirirakshika	Protector Of Seas And Hills
Sarvakaryasiddhi Pradayika	Granter Of Success In All Attempts
Durga	Deity Durga

May Goddess comfort and protect you and keep me posted.
blessed be
Lady Venus

An update--a baby girl!...

Dear Lexa,

Thank you.

Months ago, I wrote to you asking for help.

I was pregnant, and my man had left me, screaming obcenities
and threats at me as he went. I was scared that he would make good
on his threat to take my baby; I was scared that I wouldn't be able
to get through the pregnancy and the hard winter alone, and I was
just very sad.

You wrote a kind post, and told me about the Goddess Durga,
and instructed me to perform a chant in her honour, requesting her
aid.

I did as you told me to, and things are much better than
they were. I credit your help and the assistance of Durga with the
improvements in my condition. Thank you.

My beautiful baby girl, Anna Clotilde, is almost two months
old now. She was born on May 29th, at seven thirty in the evening.
She was born healthy and strong.

I got through the hard winter, and my midwives told me that
all the walking I did (I have no car and funds were too tight to
take the bus most of the time-- good food for the baby was my
priority), all the snow shoveling, all the housework and swimming
and yoga, all of that kept Anna moving around in the amniotic
fluid, helping her develop the wonderful muscle tone she was born
with.

Anna takes such pleasure in her own physicality-- it makes
me happy to see my heavy-bodied lonely struggling transformed into
such a good thing. Every one remarks on how strong and solid and
lively she is. Devi the student midwife called her "Superbaby".

I gave birth to Anna at my mother's house. Anna
was born in her grandmother's bathtub. I ran a bath for myself and
had her there just instinctually. My Mum cut the cord, so three
generations of our family's female line were involved in that act.
This was powerful and healing.

My man did not come. Instead, my friend Cass, who provided me
with consistent love and friendship (and a supply of juicy gossip)
through the whole pregnancy was there. While we waited, we watched
movies and took walks and baked and made art and wrote and sewed
things. It was great.

Coming with me to my hometown to stay at my Mum's until the
baby came was the first time Cass had ever left the States. She
said that her month at Mum's fufilled a "seven year dream" she had
had for a real holiday with no work, but one where she wasn't
spending her savings on accomodations or food.

Despite all the trouble my man and my broken heart were
giving me, being pregnant was a tender and powerful time in my
life. Giving birth to Anna was the strongest and best thing I have
ever done. I love my daughter and I love being her mother.

Thank you and Goddess Durga for helping me to appreciate my
power and strength at a time when all I felt was abandoned and
vulnerable and fearful for the well being of my baby.

Anna and I had a powerful birth-- my membranes were ruptured
for three days, then I had over thirty hours of early labour,
through which I gardened and prepared food for the midwives and
organized the birth room, and then five hours of active labour,
well supported by my excellent midwife and her student. I did not
need drugs, and I moved around and made noise as I saw fit. It was
amazing.

E--- told me that he will not try to take Anna from me, and
as that was at the heart of my fears when I consulted you, I thank
you again for helping me to protect my daughter.

He has visted twice, the second time with his parents. Those
visits have been intense and both good and terrible. His Dad got
drunk and refered to me by the name of E---'s ex-girlfriend all
through dinner with my whole family, but hey.

E--- loves his daughter-- he was shocked by his love for her-
- - and he loves me, too, in a twisted up way that hurts me-- and
clearly also him, his family, and my family-- to be near.

I feel an odd and powerful mix of anger and compassion when I
think of him, and I don't know where things will go. He is
volitile, so the situation still seems dangerous, but I am stronger
and clearer more powerful than he is, and Anna was born safely and
she is strong, too. We are a good pair.

His mother has decided that she and her husband need to seek
counseling, which is a good thing, and she is at last urging E---
to seek help as well. She said that Anna "melted her heart", which
is a powerful image. Thank you and Goddess Durga for that shift in
her.

I hadn't realized that in the American South you can say
anything about anyone as long as you tack the phrase "bless his (or
her) little heart" onto the end of what you said.

For example: E---'s mother was shocked that all the gardens
in my mother's neighbourhood were different from one another, as
they have rules against that in her gated community.

She handled my mother's lesbianism better this time, as they
discovered that they both like quilting and other women's
handicrafts-- it was funny to watch them bond-- but she could not
get over the fact that Mum's neighbour, who is a surgeon, has a
clothes line for his laundry.

She's too narrow minded to understand a surgeon with a clothes
line, bless her little heart.

See! It works! I love the "bless his little heart" trick. It is
magic. You get to say what you need to say without being full of
scorn or rage yourself, and you disarm the anger your comment or
opinion might otherwise be greeted with.

E---'s father is a raging drunk, bless his little heart.

It makes you feel good instead of bad--magic. Jesus said to
bless those who curse you, and there are probably many other
sources of this same information-- it does seem to make things flow
in a better direction if you add a blessing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

As I am trying to figure out how to be a self-supporting
single mother of a newborn, and how I'm going to either convince
school to give me back my scholarship or find a new avenue to go
down to reach my goals, I am short on cash money funds.

All I can give you right now is my gratitude and my
testemonial.

I will do my best to share what I know and can do as generously
as you share your wisdom and skills with those in need.

At some point, I will have enough saved to pay you for a
reading for my new daughter-- as her mother, I would like to know
how to support and help her to do what she needs to do in this
life.

Here, too, are some pictures of my Anna.

Thank you, Lexa Rosean.

Sasha

Dear Sasha
I have not been inspired to post on this blog in months and your heartfelt email has broken the dry spell. So pleased and honored to be of assistance and thrilled with the outcome!

Anna is some looker! (Sorry readers, I don't post pics of newborns on the blog.) And you've given her one of the most powerful and oldest of the goddess names :) She is also born one day after me and as a Gemini, I'm sure she will be creative and a natural born psychic and channeler. I am sending you Anna's astrological chart as a gift (under separate cover) because I am so moved by your letter and life. I hope the charts and interpretations will give you insight into her soul.

It's great to hear about how you are acknowledging and dealing with your anger toward the ones you love. It sounds like right now there is more to hate about E (and his family) than there is to love about him. So it's good you are not together. Hopefully the magic of therapy will turn that around and he'll become a good dad and maybe even great husband. But for now, it sounds like you and Anna are in a great place and I wish you many blessings and continued protection from the Durga.
blessed be
Lexa