I am in trouble. I am pregnant, and I love being pregnant and I love my new little baby, who kicks and talks to me in my dreams. This child also kicks for my cats, who snuggle up against my belly and purr to it. I am desperate to be a good mother. I love this child so much already.
The child’s father, my erstwhile boyfriend and self described fiancee, has turned into a dangerous, frightening force in my life. (We are living far apart from one another, so actual immediate danger is unlikely.) He has called me a c--t. He has called me a b---h. He has threatened to serve me with papers to start our custody battle while I am in labour with our child. He is angry, because I do not want to be around him when he is drinking and I do not like his alcoholic friends or family members. He also told me that if I loved him, I was going to have to “choose between him and the truth.” I don’t want to be sworn at, belittled, threatened, abandoned, and hated. He is scared, but why is it manifesting this way? I feel like a stupid, stupid fool. I miss the man I loved. Once upon a time, we each wished for the other. I miss how loved he used to make me feel, and I miss my happy loving thoughts of him. I swing back and forth, thinking about how to love him and get him to treat me with love one minute, and how to get him out of my life the next. Sometimes I am so sad that he is missing all the fun, and missing me at the most beautiful and lovely I have ever been; I am all soft and watery, and yearn for him. Other times, I feel parched and hot and angry, and were it not for this child in my womb, I would feel like a wasteland, barren and bleak, and I wish one or both of us was dead. (I’m pulled back from those thoughts by our baby, who needs and loves us both. What can I do?)
I don’t think I can control his actions or thoughts. I would like to have some guidance about how to stay focused on what I need to do. I’m scattered, depressed, ashamed, and frightened. I feel alone. I need to make money (I REALLY need to make money) and be financially ready for this baby, and possibly for a court fight. I need to have work that fits with pregnancy and new motherhood, and some of mine does not. I need to build support networks and nurture the community I have. I need to confess and confide in people I love that I’ve messed up with this relationship, even if that is embarrassing. I need to figure out what my truest instincts about this man ARE, never mind learning to follow them. I need to be able to live with the grief and loss I feel, and to do the work I’m supposed to do in this life, whatever that is. I need to confront and deal with my own mistakes and patterns and the things that will hamper my ability to mother well. I need to keep myself and my baby safe and healthy.
How do I get him out of my head and find the discipline and grace to accomplish what I need to accomplish to prepare for the birth of this little one? Are their spells for women who love their babies, but who are caught like a deer in headlights, afraid of their own lives and afraid of their man? This post is too long, but I cannot be the only woman in this situation. What can we do?Thank you, and Blessed Be
Sasha
Dear Sasha
I feel for you deeply and I understand why you feel like a deer caught in the headlights because there are so many issues here. Often people feel overwhelmed because there are so many problems that need to be solved. Magick, like anything else, is best worked one step at a time. Let's begin with the most important of issues - You and the child in your womb. Believe it or not, you are in a position of great power although I understand that right now you feel helpless and hopeless. In the Wicca, and ancient Matriarchal paths, it is the Mother Goddess who rules the earth and you must turn to Her for Her power, protection, and prosperity. You must also allow Her to empower you as you already embody Her greatest attribute - that of Child Bearer.
I would instruct you to turn to the Durga and chant Her powerful mantra. Durga is the Mother aspect of the great and fierce triple goddess Kali. The Durga is depicted as an Amazon warrior who rides a tiger into battle. She defeats demons and defends her children. According to Barbara Walker in the Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets: "Durga stood for the basic animal instincts of maternity, for which the adult male is no longer significant, and only her offspring claims a mother's attention."
photo credit
photo creditI instruct you to chant Her mantra 108 times at night on the 5th of February. Durga has the power to exorcise the demons that have possessed your man. She has the power to return him to his senses as a loving and supportive husband and father. She also has the power to destroy him should he choose to cause harm to you or your child. Durga can help you with all legal matters concerning custody. She can bring you strength and sustenance, both spiritual and material and She can guide you toward others who can give you real support. She can heal your heart and clear your head of all confusion. Trust in the Great Mother to lead you and your child one step at a time toward safety, health, and prosperity. Here is the mantra:
Saith Isvara:and here the 108 names of Durga:
I shall tell thee the hundred names of Durga.
By the grace of this hymn the chaste Duga is satisfied.
Listen, then, thereto.
OM.
Chaste one.
Virtuous one.
Beloved of Bhava.
Spouse of Bhava.
The Manifested Brahman.
Liberatrix from the world of births and deaths.
Destructress of distress.
Victorious one.
Primordial one.
Three-eyed,
Holder of the spear.
Spouse of Him who holds the pinaka Bow.
Wonderful one.
Whose bell sounds fearfully.
Of great austerities.
Manas.
Buddhi.
Ahamkara.
In the form of citta.
Funeral pyre.
Knowledge.
Whose substance is all mantras.
Reality.
Whose nature is true bliss.
Endless one.
In whom are the three dispositions.
Accessible by devotion.
Auspicious.
Pervading all things.
Spouse of S'ambu.
Mother of Devas.
Contemplation.
Fond of gems.
All knowledge.
Daughter of Daksa.
Destroyer of Daksa's sacrifice.
Who eat not even a leaf during Thy austerities.
Of various colour.
Red.
Having a red colour.
Clad in silken garment.
Pleased with sweet-sounding anklets.
Of unbounded power.
Terrifying.
Beautiful.
House lady.
Forest Durga.
Daughter of Matanga.
Worshipped by the sage Matanga.
Spouse of Brahma.
Great Ruler.
Aindri.
Kaumari.
Vaisnavi.
Camunda.
Varahi.
Laksmi.
In the form of the Purusa.
Pure one.
Essence of all.
Knowledge.
Action.
The Supreme one.
Giver of buddhi.
Who art all.
Whose love is unbounded.
Mounted on a bull.
Destructress of Sumbha and Nisumbha.
Slayer of the Asura Mahisa.
Slayer of Madhu and Kaitaba.
Destructress of Canda and Munda.
And of all Asuras.
And of all Danavas.
Whose substance is all S'astra.
Existence.
Holder of all weapons.
In whose hands are various weapons.
Holder of many weapons.
Virgin.
Maiden.
Kaisori.
Youthful.
Ascetic one.
Apraudha.
Praudha.
Old mother.
Giver of strength.
For the one who daily reads these 108 names of Durga
There is nothing impossible in the three worlds.
This person obtains wealth, crops, sons, spouse, horses, and elephants;
This person accomplishes the caturvar ga,
And gains lasting liberation.
Having worshipped the Devi Kumari,
And meditated upon Suresvari,
The devotee should worship,
And then read with devotion the 108 names of Durga.
O Devi ! such an one gains the fruition which Devas have;
Kings become this persons servants,
And this one obtains a kingdom and all prosperity.
You, who, versed in the sastric injunctions
In accordance, therewith, writes this mantra
With saffron mixed with cows' pigment, red lac,
camphor, and the three sweets, (ghee, honey, and sugar)
And then wears it, becomes Purari.
Whoever writes and then reads this humn
On a Tuesday in the dark moon,
At night, when the moon is in the twentyfourth mansion containing a hundred stars
Attains all wealth and prosperity.*
*from Hymns to the Goddess and Hymn to Kali by Sir John Woodroffe
Name | Meaning |
| Durga | The Inaccessible |
| Devi | The Diety |
| Tribhuvaneshwari | Goddess of The Three Worlds |
| Yashodagarba Sambhoota | Emerging From Yashoda's Womb |
| Narayanavarapriya | Fond of Narayana's Boons |
| Nandagopakulajata | Daughter Of The Nandagopa Race |
| Mangalya | Auspicious |
| Kulavardhini | Developer Of The Race |
| Kamsavidravanakari | Threatened Kamsa |
| Asurakshayamkari | Reducer Of The Number Of Demons |
| Shilathata Vinikshibda | At Birth,Slammed By Kamsa |
| Akashagamini | Flew In The Sky |
| Vasudevabhagini | Sister Of Vasudeva |
| Divamalya Vibhooshita | Adorned With Beautiful Garlands |
| Divyambaradhara | Beautifully Robed |
| Khadgaketaka Dharini | Holder Of Sword And Shield |
| Shiva | Auspicious |
| Papadharini | Bearer Of Others' Sins |
| Varada | Granter Of Boons |
| Krishna | Sister Of Krishna |
| Kumari | Young Girl |
| Brahmacharini | Seeker Of Brahman |
| Balarkasadrushakara | Like The Rising Sun |
| Purnachandra Nibhanana | Beautiful Like The Full Moon |
| Chaturbhuja | Four-Armed |
| Chaturvakttra | Four-Faced |
| Peenashroni Payodhara | Large Bosomed |
| Mayoora Pichhavalaya | Wearer Of Peacock-Feathered Bangles |
| Keyurangadadharini | Bejewelled With Armlets And Bracelets |
| Krishnachhavisama | Like Krishna's Radiance |
| Krishna | Dark-Complexioned |
| Sankarshanasamanana | Equal To Sankarshana |
| Indradhwaja Samabahudharini | With Shoulders Like Indra's Flag |
| Patradharini | Vessel-Holder |
| Pankajadharini | Lotus-Holder |
| Kanttadhara | Holder of Shiva's Neck |
| Pashadharini | Holder Of Rope |
| Dhanurdharini | Holder Of Bow |
| Mahachakradharini | Holder Of Chakra |
| Vividayudhadhara | Bearer Of Various Weapons |
| Kundalapurnakarna Vibhooshita | Wearer Of Earrings Covering The Ears |
| Chandravispardimukha | Beautiful Like The Moon |
| Mukutavirajita | Shining With Crown Adorned |
| Shikhipichhadwaja Virajita | Having Peacock-Feathered Flag |
| Kaumaravratadhara | Observer Of Fasts Like Young Girls Do |
| Tridivabhavayirtri | Goddess Of The Three Worlds |
| Tridashapujita | The Goddess Of The Celestials |
| Trailokyarakshini | Protector Of The Three Worlds |
| Mahishasuranashini | Destroyer Of Mahisha |
| Prasanna | Cheerful |
| Surashreshtta | Supreme Among The Celestials |
| Shiva | Shiva's Half |
| Jaya | Victorious |
| Vijaya | Conqueror |
| Sangramajayaprada | Granter Of Victory In The War |
| Varada | Bestower |
| Vindhyavasini` | Resident Of The Vindhyas |
| Kali | Dark-Complexioned |
| Kali | Goddess Of Death |
| Mahakali | Wife Of Mahakala |
| Seedupriya | Fond Of Drinks |
| Mamsapriya | Fond Of Flesh |
| Pashupriya | Fond Of All Beings |
| Bhootanushruta | Well-Wisher Of Bhootaganas |
| Varada | Bestower |
| Kamacharini | Acting On One's Own Accord |
| Papaharini | Destroyer Of Sins |
| Kirti | Famed |
| Shree | Auspicious |
| Dhruti | Valiant |
| Siddhi | Successful |
| Hri | Holy Chant Of Hymns |
| Vidhya | Wisdom |
| Santati | Granter Of Issues |
| Mati | Wise |
| Sandhya | Twilight |
| Ratri | Night |
| Prabha | Dawn |
| Nitya | Eternal |
| Jyotsana | Radiant Like Flames |
| Kantha | Radiant |
| Khama | Embodiment Of Forgiveness |
| Daya | Compassionate |
| Bandhananashini | Detacher Of Attachments |
| Mohanashini | Destroyer Of Desires |
| Putrapamrityunashini | Sustainer Of Son's Untimely Death |
| Dhanakshayanashini | Controller Of Wealth Decrease |
| Vyadhinashini | Vanquisher Of Ailments |
| Mruthyunashini | Destroyer Of Death |
| Bhayanashini | Remover Of Fear |
| Padmapatrakshi | Eyes Like The Lotus Leaf |
| Durga | Remover Of Distress |
| Sharanya | Granter Of Refuge |
| Bhaktavatsala | Lover Of Devotees |
| Saukhyada | Bestower Of Well-Being |
| Arogyada | Granter Of Good Health |
| Rajyada | Bestower Of Kingdom |
| Ayurda | Granter Of Longevity |
| Vapurda | Granter Of Beautiful Appearance |
| Sutada | Granter Of Issues |
| Pravasarakshika | Protector Of Travellers |
| Nagararakshika | Protector Of Land |
| Sangramarakshika | Protector Of Wars |
| Shatrusankata Rakshika | Protector From Distress Caused By Foes |
| Ataviduhkhandhara Rakshika | Protector From Ignorance And Distress |
| Sagaragirirakshika | Protector Of Seas And Hills |
| Sarvakaryasiddhi Pradayika | Granter Of Success In All Attempts |
| Durga | Deity Durga |
blessed be
Lady Venus
